If you're reading this and you haven't had kids yet, don't be alarmed. I am not here to scare you. Parenting is hard; that's just a fact. If you have children, then you know what I'm talking about. I'm only here to share with you my experiences and my truth.
I still consider myself a "new" mom with so much I am still trying to learn. I've only been at it for a little over two years. Every day, I learn new things about motherhood. Every day, I am challenged.
I knew parenting was going to be hard, but I didn't realize how hard. It's genuinely taxing on the mind, body, and soul. It has challenged me in ways I wouldn't have even thought of. Every ounce of your being is devoted to taking care of someone else. It's like watching your heart live outside of you.
We love these little people so much it hurts. From the time your baby/babies are born, the control you once had is completely gone. You can no longer keep them safe inside your belly. I mourned that feeling as soon as they were pulled out of me. You have zero control anymore. That realization was heartbreaking.
Then you bring them home. Babies cry they poop, they sleep. And the life you once knew is gone. You learn to eat your dinner after it's gotten ice cold. Milk dripping from your boobs constantly, and you can't remember the last time you took a shower. Rocking babies to sleep and holding your pee for hours on end. You learn to survive on little to no sleep at all. Your partner isn't who they used to be. You're not who you used to be. You're missing who they once were. You're exhausted. Everything has changed.
People warned me, for the first year I would not sleep. I remember laughing and thinking, "yeah, right, my babies will sleep." Boy, was I wrong! I should have listened, but even then, NOTHING would have prepared me for this kind of tired anyway.
Every milestone your baby hits is a celebration, but suddenly, you begin to miss what they did before they reached a particular milestone. You truly realize just how fast times fly, and for a second, you wish you could go back to the newborn stage, smell them and feel them wrap their tiny hands around your finger.
It's unfortunate when you think about it. Your babies needing you less and less. As their independence grows and curiosity heightens, they are learning and changing every day. They go from the tummy time mat to the bouncers. Bouncers to the walkers. Walkers to the push and walk toys. And then they are running everywhere! And then, you really have no control.
It is emotionally draining. You are continually meeting the needs of two babies, totally neglecting your own. They whine at you for what seems 99% of the day. You do your best to plan meals you think they will actually eat, and they will throw everything you made them on the ground right in front of your face. You think to yourself, "when will it get easier" and then you are quickly reminded of these toddlers who used to be babies who you used to burp and rock to sleep every night. It's a constant cycle of tug of war that pulls on your heartstrings like no other.
There are days when I feel like there is nothing I did right. There are days when I may have yelled way too much. I snap sometimes. I don't have the best patience. I get overloaded with being touched and pulled on all day. So, I accept the break. Even though, I feel guilty for feeling like I need to be away from them. I DO IT. I allow myself to decompress and recenter myself when needed. Thank God for grandparents.
Hopefully, it doesn't seem like I am complaining or ranting. I would hate for anyone to think I am complaining or being inconsiderate of other women. I am just sharing with you my personal feelings and experiences, in hopes of someone reading this and feeling like they are not alone. This is my truth. And the truth is, this mom thing is HARD.